I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
