are you still at the devil's house?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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