my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
