I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize