btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
