I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
