is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
