i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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