It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
