conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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