We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
