do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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