dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
