no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
