Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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