hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
