y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
