I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
