I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
