You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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