I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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