I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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