I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
