Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
