Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This house was built for laser tag.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
