i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
They have beer where we have blood.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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