i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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