Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
His nipple licking is glorious
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