and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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