so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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