You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
