I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
