You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Floor bacon is actually really good
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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