You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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