why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
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YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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