there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
