She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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