Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
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My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
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He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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