Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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