I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
