I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
