she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
