Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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