Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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