I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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