Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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