We need to rekindle our bromance
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I AM VODKA MAN
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
