And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
