Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
