i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
