did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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