my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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