forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
