Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
