just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
