We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
