I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
