I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
